I've been absent recently, missing from twitter, from playgroups, from friendships, relationships and sadly I think from motherhood.
I told someone yesterday that I wasn't depressed. It's not someone I normally lie to, not that I lie often but you know the people you answer fine to and the one you tell the gory truth to. Well the person was one of the latter sort.
It got me thinking though. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered with ANYTHING. Cooking has gone out the window, I can't think to plan meals let alone cook them. I'm not keeping up with the housework, even my reading has nearly stopped which is unheard of. My mothering has been hands off at best. Setting up invitations to play out of guilt but then walking away..... There hasn't been as much interaction as I would normally like. N is cuddly and clingy and I know its because I'm distant and he is reacting to this.
Yet I don't feel that dark gloom and despair that depression brings. I feel apathetic, detached, in my own little world.
I'm tired, so tired I could sleep all day and do when N isn't here.
I feel like I'm recuperating, but what from? My fibro was rough for a while but it's ok ish now. I have some other valid reasons for the tiredness but not this blah feeling.
I want to shake myself up! Give myself a kickstart but I'm not sure how.
I don't want to talk to the doctor as I know given my history with depression he will just reach for the tablets and I don't want that. But I do need something, what I don't know but something that brings me in from the cold where I've been stood with my nose pressed up the window looking in at my life.
I know there's a problem, I know how it's affecting me so that's half the battle right? I just need to be able to deal with things now and get back to living.