Friday, 14 June 2013

Miscarriage - Waiting to find out what i already know.

This post was written yesterday but i needed a bit of time before publishing.

Today has been a tough, tough day.

I woke up this morning thinking i was 9 weeks pregnant. I'd had a little bit of spotting over the last two weeks, such a tiny amount really. I've literally bleed more from a paper cut. I'm talking specks here.

I wasn't worried, not really, but I'd been referred to the early pregnancy unit as a precaution, due to my previous three miscarriages. But this wasn't a miscarriage. I knew what a miscarriage was, this wasn't it. I had no cramps, no clotting. It was going to be just fine. I was even going on the bus on my own. I didn't need anyone with me because this was all just a precaution. A silly, fuss about nothing. It was just going to put my mind at rest.

Luckily my sister decided she was coming with me, i told her she didn't need to but  it'd save me the bus fare so i agreed she could take me. I've never been so glad of anything in my life.

I went into the scan room, the lady placed the jelly on my belly and started to scan. I knew immediately something was wrong. I'd had a scan at 8 weeks with my son, with his scan you could see the shape of a baby, it was like a smaller slightly less clear 12 week scan with a quick, strong flicker of a heart beat. I whispered to my sister that something was wrong, but couldn't get any more words out.

Today there was a largely empty sack with a smudge in the corner, no heartbeat, no tiny baby, just a smudge where my baby should have been. The lady told me she needed to do an internal scan as i hadn't drank enough water, but i knew I'd drank over two litres. She was just double checking what we both already knew. My pregnancy had ended.

They checked and double checked, a second opinion was sought, they were thorough. Measurements where taken and it was explained to me that the foetus was measuring at 7 weeks, the sack was measuring at 9 weeks. They said there could be the smallest most outside chance that they couldn't see a heartbeat because the foetus was so small, it may be small for any number of  reasons. My baby may not have died but it probably had.

This is the bit that is killing me. I've got to wait 10 days to find out. 10 days before my next scan. 10 days of limbo. In 10 days time if nothing has happened and i haven't naturally lost the pregnancy i will have to go for a D & C.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm meant to get through the next 10 days. I cant have any hope as i cant have it crushed. I know I've lost my baby. I know in 10 days time they will tell me i have to have a  D & C.

I just wish i didnt have to wait 10 days to find out what i feel i already know.

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