I have a fear. The kind that keeps me awake at night and makes my stomach clench and turn to water if i think on it too long.
Its not the normal fears like spiders or fire or even losing my child which of course alll scare me to varying degrees.
At the moment my biggest fear is my husband getting sick. I mean really sick. Unable to work or function sick.
It terrifies me.
I've mentioned i have Fibromialgia, you can see what that means here. What it means for me on a daily basis very simply is that i ache an i'm tired. If i do too much then this ramps up to being in agony and being unable to get out of bed. I intend to do a full post on this at some point but it just feels too huge at the minute.
I've had it since about 2007. Ive got it mostly under control now but its took time and a its been steep learning curve. Its a constant balencing act.
My husband has had to take on so much since i became ill. He has to work to keep us afloat. He works long hours to being in overtime. I also think he would go mad not working. I may go mad with him at home all day TBH.
He does the majority of the housework and all washing and ironing. He does the shopping and runs any errands we have at the weekend. He also helps me care for my ill family members. I'll do the calling round and whatever i can do online. He does the rest.
It feels like a tug of war sometimes. I pull him towards me as i need more help, he pulls away as he has so much else he needs to do. I sometimes feel like his last priority but in reality i know i'm his first well joint first with N.
So much of our existence relies on my husband being well, his is the linch pin to our whole life. If we didnt have him we would loose everything. I cant support us. We need him.
So these last two weeks my husband has been feeling rough. He thought it was just a cold. He wouldnt rest. He says he hasnt got the time. If i'm honest he probably hasnt.
He has plowed on and on until finally his body has said no more.
He is feverish, achy, weak and could sleep all day. I'd asked him to go to the doctors but it wasnt until his Dad, a man of few words took him to one side to ask him quietly to take care of himself that it sunk in.
He went to the walk in centre today. Its a virus. Isnt it always? The doctor told him he has made it much worse by not resting sooner and that she wantted him to do nothing for the next couple of days.
If he doesnt improve he has to go to the doctors for some blood tests.
So not too bad you'd think? But i'm a wreak.
What if? What if he is REALLY ILL? What if he gets post viral fatigue? What if he cant work?
Then the selfish thoughts. How am i going to cope without his help? Hw cani manage caring for him as well as everything else.
I know this is all a bit premature. He has a virus. He just needs to rest. This has become my manta today.
I can’t stop worrying. I'm making him lemsips and keeping him fed. I'm caring for N and trying to keep the house tidy(ish).
But I know I’ve only got a few days of this in me, its not that I don’t want to continue to care for him, I do. I love caring and spoiling my boys. I just know that sooner rather than later this extra activity will cause me to crash.
Then what? If he is ill and I’m ill. Who takes care of N then?
My Husband already feels he can’t be ill or weak in anyway due to my illness and by feeling like this I’m proving him right. That’s too much pressure for any one person.
Its whets got him to this point in the first place.
So I’m carrying on, I’m caring for him and making him rest but the horrible thing is I don’t know how long I can continue.
I'm also praying and crossing everything I have he gets well soon. For both of us.